Entropic

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Mă perind de o vreme încoace într-o dezordine completă. E ordine peste tot în jur, numai la mine în cap e haos. Întrebări de tot felul, gânduri care zboară aiurea, amintiri care țipă la mine dintr-un colț în altul al minții. Nu am nicio problemă îmi zic, nu mă derajează nimic, nimic nu mă rănește.

“Pune-te la loc”, zic.

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From Great Expectations to Really Low Ones

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“It’s not the world who hurts you, but your own expectations”. I’ve read that somewhere, don’t remember where, so I can’t credit anybody for it. Sorry ’bout that.

Nowadays I just credit myself for no longer getting mad at people. I just learned to expect the lowest out of the people I once thought the highest of. These might also not be my words. I probably read them somewhere. Again. My apologies.

It’s harder and harder to stay original in a world so full of imitations. So we play pretend. The majority of the time we spent assuming things that we want to believe are about us or when it comes to people, we just socialize for the sake of imitating socially acceptable behavior or for pretending that we are still part of a group. When growing up we were seeking acceptance from others, we gave our very best to be/become popular. The older we get we just retreat in our bubble of comfort and we refuse to like the same old shit anymore. We cease to fake smile at people that we never liked, and we spit out words that hurt.

No filter lately. Just like all the other stuff I realized recently….my words would either attract a great mind or would offend a weak one (this is a quote, not mine, I swear – I don’t typically own that great of an English vocabulary to sound that good).

Now, to be completely frank, I think I like fewer and fewer people the older I get. So, it is really far fetched to say that I like or even sympathize with the people that were once my “groupies”. At best I can tolerate.

So, if you are not a dog I’m not even sure I really like you anymore. I can only tolerate you.

 

 

 

People don’t like me mamma

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I’m currently looking for a job, another job. Actively. And from the back of my head I keep hearing my grandma’s (and now my mom’s) voice telling me: “that school of yours did not prepare you for this world”. For any world I’d add. ‘Cos you need to be a lawyer, a doctor, a banker (financial adviser, accountant and so forth), a janitor or a hooker in this world in order to make ends meet. And since I am not any of the above I have to reconsider my options. I am patient, and motivated and I like the whole searching process, but nowadays I find myself embracing the “whole millennial lifestyle” which is waking up whenever my body tells me I had 8 hours in, followed by the morning routine…splash of water on the face, some breakfast and coffee. Then I log in a few good hours of computer work which consists in searching, updating, data entry, typing…blah, blah…all this while I sit in a yoga position in my desk chair, in my pajamas (my home-office attire).

I get easily distracted. Sometimes I find myself joggling between my typing, googling stupid stuff, chatting with my friends on facebook, searching some song on youtube that randomly pop up in my head. Then really late in the afternoon I remember I haven’t had lunch. I take a long lunch break while I watch a short series, and finishing my bottle of water, then I re-heat another cup of coffee and back to the computer. My back (all of it, upper, lower and in between) aches. My right hand fingers are becoming really stiff from the way I type, which is not your typical style of typing. Mine is more of a contortionist kind, with one decorative left hand getting in the way of my right hand in order to type the exact same letters. No one taught me how to use a computer, type or do any internet stuff. Which is why I don’t type very fast, I always have to visually retrieve the keys on the keyboard. I am not very computer savvy, except for finding my way out of trouble from doing computer work, which I now consider experience.

But now getting back to the job-search situation I realize that I have to go through literally hundreds of jobs everyday and see what might be a good match for me. After this step I get the days when I have to go through “reject emails” and their so similar phrasing like: “thank you for applying and the time you put into this but we have decided to continue this process with candidates that are more suitable for the job”….

Well, to be honest, some of the jobs I had the pleasure to apply to have NOTHING to do with what I have studied in school or my experience. Jobs like fund raiser for the local symphony, or financial adviser, or even mortgage specialist are no good match for someone like me, you know, a dreamer, easy going individual.

My parents are eager to find out news about my prospective job and the ways I am building my life in America. But I have to disappoint them week after week. And I know I’d end up saying: “People just don’t like me, mamma.”

November 2, 2016

When Life Gives You Friends, You Make Memories :)

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FRIENDS ~ old and new, lost and found, in all 70 + people I grew up with, went to grade school, high school, college and grad school with, family friends, family members, kids I used to share toys with, do homework with, share my food with, exchange lice with (don’t judge, we were small and dumb, kindergarten was crowded….it was fun), family that are not just my family but they are my dear and close confidants, people I share a tear or a laugh with, occasional friends, acquaintances, lovers ~ they found some time to wish a happy birthday to this 31-year old gal wondering the world.

Do I appreciate you? Yes, most of the time. Do I remember what we’ve used to do together? You’re damn right I do! Do I want to remember everything? Yeah, maybe not everything. Would I change anything? No! Why would I? Do I miss you (some of you more than others)? You betcha’. Because when life gives you lemons, you make lemonade….or in my own words: “When life gives you friends, you make memories”. And I mean every single word.

Why do I write it in English and not Romanian? In the mood I am right now, it feels fluent. That and my Romanian friends are too damn smart and English is too easy and they get it just fine. Just in case, my foreign friends think we [Romanians] grew up in the tree 🙂 Mistaken, again.

I keep hearing from various people that I am a blessing. Not sure about that, but all I can say is that if you were me right now you would feel blessed. Some of you I truly admire, some I respect more than anything, the most of you I cherish, and to those of you whom I don’t or can’t say it enough: I love you. I really do. I would be an average, insignificant individual at best if it wasn’t for you in my life. A beautiful, witty, intelligent, overall amazing crowd. May you all find peace and love in this world,

Love,

Oana (March 22nd, 2016)

 

Joi(e) de vivre

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Joia a devenit ziua în care după plecarea cuiva îți amintești că “tre” să trăiești.

Cineva cândva spunea că nu se teme de moarte, atâta timp cât a făcut ce trebuie pentru a trăi. Nu am știut ce să răspund la afirmația asta, mai cu seamă pentru că nu știam ce îmi trebuie ca să trăiesc. Bani? Un alt job? Un alt loc în care să trăiesc? Alți oameni cu care să mă înconjur?  Aiurea, îmi spunea. “Să clădești o casă, să sapi o fântână și să sădești un pom”. Nici asta nu am înțeles prea bine.  Dar la ea lurcrurile erau cu mult mai simple.

M-am mulțumit întotdeauna cu certitudinea că fac ce trebuie, și că indiferent ce aleg să fac e în regulă atâta vreme cât e bine făcut. Sunt un om al bunului simț, cu o educație căpătată nu în lungii ani petrecuți în școală, ci intr-o familie (puternic) matriarhală, alături de un om care a știut că educația, știința (cunoașterea) și bunul simț nu se învață la școală. Ai mei cei 7 ani de acasă au fost mai degrabă 9 și s-au soldat cu lungi episoade de cunoaștere a lumii, încă de la facerea ei (diminețile de duminică petrecute la biserică), mersul la cimitir pentru onorarea celor trecuți în neființă, și statul la masă. Astea erau cele trei locuri în care un om cu numai 4 clase m-a învățat ce înseamnă viața.

Anii au trecut, eu am crescut, m-am înălțat, am căpătat opinii. Ea se făcuse tot mai mică, și adusă de spate, cu dureri de șale și reprize de oftat. Dar episoadele de “școala vieții la domiciliul” nu s-au încheiat. Și nici nu ar fi avut de ce să aibă un final atât timp cât găseam răspuns la toate întrebările.

Aș fi vrut numai să mă fi învățat cum să-mi iau rămas bun corespunzător, ca la carte, cu demnitate, fără regrete și remușcări. Dar asta era una din lecțiile la care am lipsit. M-am atașat sentimentului că lecția asta voi avea șansa să o învăț pe nerostite, ca și cum ar fi fost o întrebare la care mi s-a răspuns fără seamă.

I-aș mai fi spus doar că mi-e teamă că atunci când ea nu va mai fi, toate câte-au fost se vor sfârși.

 

Let your hope lead the way…

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I’m always in such a rush to finish things, meet deadlines and achieve goals, that I forget to live. I keep hearing the same advice from some of my elder friends: “Don’t ever get old”. Truth be told – I never paid much attention to these “words of wisdom”. When you’re young you never think of getting old, and as years go by you seem to want to slow down. “Time goes by fast when you’re having fun” is one of the first expressions I’ve heard over here. Not sure what kind of fun I’ve been living so far but I sure hope that when I look back, as an old woman, I’ll have a big smile on my face.

There are days when I wake up without a purpose and I start doubting, and I end up questioning my (so many weird) decisions. I don’t know what scares me most: my “un-happened” failures, my overly estimated ambition to do more or my sickening perfectionist self. All in all, I feel hopelessly pushed back by an unseen force that keeps telling me: “Now’s not the time”.

When I first started to feel doubt about where I’m heading or where my place in the world is I started to fear. If we all have fears, of any kind, it is somehow considered normal. When my fear interferes with my beliefs and alters my faith then I am left without any hope (in pretty much anything: happiness, tomorrow, people….)

Hope is one concept that I find extremely difficult to describe. In terms of personal experiences, I must say I was perceiving hope like a sort of consequence, not a cause for something. I still have no idea what to think about it. But maybe hope is that feeling you want so desperately to believe it exists. Hope is like the last frontier. You know you’ve come far when you’re at the end of a road and there’s still something else out there worth seeing, worth discovering, worth waiting for.

All you have to do is let hope lead the way… Still working on it.

The Premise of a Promise

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What’s mine is mine

What’s yours is also mine – you once said.

If I fail in my equation is due to all the faulty premises

Of all the promises you’ve made

All words you’ve spoken have fallen dark.

No deep breath or leap of faith is going to fill the empty place you put inside.

All there’s left is a massive hole in a chest that’s overflown

With left traces of your unsettled self.

I have gotten blind, and deaf and stupid.

You’ve made me afraid of words

Words that slap you in the face and leave marks all over.

You should have used a knife.

It would have been quicker and cleaner.

You chose the mess.

To all the promises you’ve made I offer you an empty box

Keep ’em all there for the next person you’ll break.

My nearness has closed in. So walk away.

I have a brand new set of knives under the bed.

I keep ’em in that box you gave me the day we’ve met

New Entry

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It’s been a while since my last visit. Got a lot to deal with and no ways to express myself. So I passed on the opportunity to write. I occasionally opened the page and looked at the screen. It’s been blank (in my head, down the page and around). Tonight is quiet, no one around, no sounds, except a song I have on the background that it’s been in my head for hours and hours.

I’ve realized how far I am from anybody I know, so far from home, my other home, and at times so alone. The angst of trying to figure myself out has passed for now, just for now.

Can’t say that I have a lot to put down but the very idea that when I’ll be let’s say…40, I’d look back on what used to hunt me and I’ll get amused.

What have I done since the last post? Not much. Just got happy, and then got mad and then angry. In my best days, I can exhibit the glory of my manic-depressive self. And on those same days I have no idea why I’ve been put on this planet.

On other days, I count my blessings. Which are, oh, so many. But stuck in one place and so bitter I cannot seem to see when my luck has found me.

This is so random. It’s been a while, that’s why.

“Spilling/Spinning” (Brandon Boyd)

…and the song that’s been in my head a whole 2-day duration…

Today’s last thoughts…

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Cardiothoracic x-ray, 21.03.2015

I knew it was going to be epic by the way I started the week. I got to spend my last day in my 20’s at the ER. If I had to describe this experience in a few words I would say it was almost enlightening. I got to know more about the medical institutions in Romania, about fears, diseases and other human interactions.

If I had to describe my last year in my 20’s I would say that it’s been very challenging, with many (emotional) downs and a lot of ups. A whole year of struggling to find the better version of myself, a whole year to deal with the first real adulthood challenges and responsibilities. It’s been a big change of scenery for me, I changed my home, my work routine, I met new people and I moved in a different part of the world.

I won’t deny it – it felt really hard and overwhelming at times. I proved myself that I can be adaptable, I can find myself in a new place, among new people and still be the better version of who I once was.

After badass 28, I went through extremely challenging 29.

What’s got 30 to offer?

A lot of adventures I hope, many more sunny days, a lot of walking, finding and discovering. This year I want to visit a new place, learn how to drive, spend more time near the water and do more of that relaxing gardening.

That bucket list is, in fact, a lot longer, but everything meaningful that I’ve done so far it got done with very small steps. Tomorrow is just another beginning.

Farewell 29, welcome 30!

Freaky Friday

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“Well, I’ve been down so Goddamn long
That it looks like up to me.”

When you can’t sleep at night and you toss in bed and get anxious for no apparent reason, you then start to fear and to crumble into tiny little emotional pieces.

Then starts the sweating and the so-known tachycardia, you fear that the “anxiety hell” is going to break loose and your heart is going to pop out of your chest.

Someone once told me that fear is for faithless people. And I might have become one of those people. I feel warm and then cold and then I start shaking my legs uncontrollably and so on and so forth, as the night unfolds.

I’ve been teaching myself to keep calm, and pray and look up and ask questions and answer to myself in every way I could, in any way that would make me feel better, safer. I felt down, and upset, angry at times, fearful, and the lack of sleep really made me unsociable, bitter and depressed.

After a certain number of sleepless nights, I finally got some rest last night. My heart is still racing. Be safe and everything will be alright I said to myself.

Whenever you can, look up and remember this tiny say:

“Let your hope make you glad. Be patient in time of trouble and never stop praying.” (Romans 12:12)