beauty, career choice, circumstance, comfort, decisions, family, fantasy, grandma, imaginary, immensity, life, life's lessons, living home, memories, old age, path, peace of mind, random, regret, souls, test, trial, well lived life, wisdom words, women
We are the sum of all our memories.
Since I find it difficult to define myself I say I am defined by what I have lived. What remains of us after we are gone is how people left behind remember us.
In all its immensity and beauty, life picks some of us, from billions of other souls to show a path with circumstances, trials and tests that we have to adapt to and pass just like students have to in a classroom. Life draws a line, and then we get to answer for ourselves. Some of us have passed, some have failed, and failed, until the lesson is learned. No life’s trial is ever passed until we are learned a lesson.
A life well lived, as my grandma used to say, is a life that gives you peace of mind every night you rest your head down to sleep and a good well reason to want to wake up in the morning. “When you look back at all the years passed do not regret a thing. So do things that, in your old age, when you look back, will give you comfort. Do everything in full; women in our family have never been ‘half done job’. So do your best in everything you do, and when you will be old, like me, to know that you had a purpose.” [my grandma MARIA’s most cherished advice].
I have not found the purpose that my grandma was talking about and my biggest disappointment to this day is that I have failed in putting all my trust in myself. I could have gotten far in this life with what I already know, with my life’s choices and my family’s advice. Professionally, in my own words, I feel as if I hit a brick wall, fell on my butt and never got back up, and the furthest, literally, I’ve ever come is a matter of distance. I am now living 5, 000+ miles away from home.
The distance between me and my [expected] career is the distance between planet Earth and the nearest inhabited planet. You do the math.
But, on a more positive note, I have enjoyed the memories I have created. Every up and down on Oana’s life scale was calculated with the highest amount of sweat and anxiety. I know nothing in this life comes easy. All good and not so good things that have happened have taken something from me and left something behind, a replacement for what I no longer posses. And that’s okay too since, I probably never owned anything to begin with.
At 33 I am aware that my career ended with me living home at 28. I look back and I want to regret my decision, because regret will give me a reason for blowing up my professional life for a fantasy. Regret is a strong word. Maybe that fantasy of me traveling the world in my 20’s is actually my purpose. I’m not imagining things anymore and my naivete is now becoming an alley. I was not meant to be a UNHCR in my 20’s just like I was not ready to become a diplomat at 24 or a RFS at 25.
I am today the sum of all my choices. Later on, the choices have turned into memories; and those are good to have too.
I am not meant for a career I guess, not because I can’t define one as my own, but mostly because there is no career in this world that can define me. And I can live with that.